Monster no match for fork and knife

“When I do something really new, I need to go that extra ridiculous step,” said Gus Romas, proprietor of Bo-Bo’s Fast Diner in Vernon Hills.

He was explaining the thought process behind Monster Gyros, an unlikely combination of 10 ounces of gyros meat, a sliced, deep-fried Polish sausage, grilled onions, barbecue and cheddar cheese sauces, all piled on a pita.

As Romas, 49, described his new pet Monster over the phone, the phrase “that’s insane” came to mind.

I said it out loud when I saw the real thing, a mountain of brown and red meat and brownish-red sauce with an attention-getting bright yellow splotch on top.

The Monster must contain a mind-boggling variety of grease, I told Romas. He nodded and helped me count: beef and lamb fat in the gyros, beef and pork in the sausage, fats to fry the sausage and onions, and substances I don’t even want to speculate upon in the cheese sauce.

“Makes it go down easy,” Romas said.

He sells seven kinds of grilled chicken breast sandwiches at his 280 Hawthorn Village Commons restaurant, but happily admits that Bo-Bo’s — known for big sandwiches, and ice cream from Homer’s and Ashby’s Sterling — will never be confused with Seattle Sutton’s Healthy Eating.

“When you come here, you should have fun,” he said.

I stared at the Monster as it was photographed on a table in the brightly-lit, 15-year-old restaurant.

Barbecue sauce on gyros is sacrilegious, I thought.

Tzatziki sauce, that wonderful garlicky yogurt-based condiment, is what belongs on gyros.

But while tzatziki sauce would have rocked the gyros part, getting any on the Polish sausage would be sick and wrong.

Maybe the union of gyros and Polish sausage just wasn’t meant to be. Like Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. Or Madonna and … anybody.

“I tell you, it all works together real good,” Romas assured me.

So you say.

Even if you have hands like Houdini or Heifetz, you cannot pick up a Monster Gyros. It must be eaten with a knife and fork, or a shovel.

I dreaded the first bite, but Romas’ homemade barbecue sauce provided a pleasant surprise. It wasn’t too spicy, so I could actually taste the gyros, crisped along the edges from a few moments on Bo-Bo’s flattop grill.

And deep-frying crisped the fat in the Polish, leaving it crunchier and meatier than typical.

The Monster came with a few slices of tomato, which I suppose were for garnish, but actually brightened things up a little. And as anybody who has ever had a cheese and tomato sandwich knows, cheddar is the life-long pal of the round red fruit.

After about a half hour of relatively steady work, I actually polished off Romas’ monstrous sandwich, which is saying something. In 13 previous Mega Bites expeditions, I have only done all the required or suggested eating four times.

That’s why I’m still alive.

The Monster Gyros did not appear on the Bo-Bo’s menu board the day we visited, but was advertised on a sheet of paper hanging above the cash register. It looked odd in the immaculate diner, where nothing else was out of place.

I was suspicious that Romas had brought the Monster to life just for our benefit. But he said it had been around for a few months, and was just starting to attract a following.

“You should never do things just to do stuff,” Romas said. “If you do, people are going to throw stuff at you.”

If they try to throw a Monster Gyros, they’re going to need rotator cuff surgery.